I didn’t apologize that last night for the reasons you think.

I was careful not to lie.

I never said,

“I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that”.

You told me that I had changed.

I argued I hadn’t.

But I have. I have changed.

Twenty words.

I apologized because after you wrote them, after you sent those twenty words that could never be written by someone who loved me, I realized I wasn’t acting like myself, I was acting like you.

I didn’t apologize because I believed I didn’t have the right to express my anger.

I didn’t apologize because your words ended up making me believe that it was my fault, like all the times they had before.

I didn’t apologize because I decided you didn’t deserve to feel the same way you have made me feel countless times.

I didn’t apologize because your attempt at shaming me, at reminding me of my mistake, again, made me question myself.

I apologized because I realized in that moment that I would never let someone in my life again that would degrade me like that. I apologized because I knew that would be the very last night I would ever speak to you. I apologized because after so much effort put in to trying to change myself for you, I realized I had finally done it.

But it wasn’t the change I had been initially trying for. It wasn’t that I learned to become someone who was silent in order to please you, who was unbothered by disrespect, someone who didn’t advocate for their needs and dignity. I hadn’t changed into the person you found acceptable, the person I wanted to be so badly to keep you.

I changed by not allowing you to cloud my character anymore. I changed by not even having a desire to earn your approval. I changed by realizing you weren’t worth the level my emotions had gotten to. I changed because I finally felt nothing in response to your cruelty.

And it wasn’t you who made it happen. It was me. My strength. My growth. My acceptance.

I realized I was not going to walk away for the last time acting against my true character in response to yours. I was able to finally let go of the suffocating grip that your words have held me in and feel only pity to the depths you would sink to come out on top.

I apologized because I realized I wasn’t willing to let you make me behave in a way that didn’t feel true to who I was ever again.

I apologized because after your attempt to humiliate me, I realized you weren’t someone that I wanted to fight with or for anymore.

I apologized because I realized I was speaking to a different man than I had known, and I had nothing left to give.

I apologized because I realized that was the last time you would ever try and make me feel like a bad person.

I apologized because I am not a bad person.

And now?

I apologize to myself for the times I fell to the standards that you hold yourself at.

I apologize to myself for ever letting someone touch or speak to me the way you did, for as long as I did.

I apologize for wanting to become someone else to make you happy, when in reality, I would never want to be the kind of person you fantasized about.

That was not the apology you thought it was.

I have changed.

You have changed.

I miss you, all the time. That hasn’t stopped.

The change is, I no longer see a future with the person that you turned out to be.