There’s nothing I’d love more than to watch you drown. To watch your arms flail around you as you try and escape the inevitable. To stand above you and watch you, desperate for help, fear in your eyes as the last bit of air escapes your lungs, they fill with water, and you sink and disappear from view.

I don’t think I ever did see fear in your eyes. You had your emotions buried deeper than I could ever reach. I don’t think you even realize to this day how afraid you actually are, and probably always have been.

But I did watch your eyes as they turned black. I watched your eyes change color simultaneously with your demeanor, from someone who was reasonable, to cruel and delusional. Your eyes would gloss over as you dissociated from reality and fully focused on the world you created in your head. A world where you were never wrong, where I was unappreciative, disrespectful, crazy, sick, and anything else you felt like spewing over me.

I am

still

so

angry.

I hope for the day when you will get what you deserve.

When the memories of the way you manipulated me and used my illness and used my addiction to hold me to a life full of so much fear and sadness flood my vision, if I am not crippled with fear, than I am consumed with rage and a desire for payback. My lip curls and my nostrils flare at the mere thought of you still breathing, free from the karma that you have so rightfully earned.

Sometimes I make plans in my head for how to take that punishment into my own hands. How to ruin your life more than you already have, you being a worthless loser who hurts people for profit.

But everytime I think I’ve thought of the perfect idea, I change my mind.

Nothing is ever enough. Nothing is ever enough to make me feel like I would be satisfied. Nothing would ever match the wounds that you carved into me over and over while telling yourself and anyone else who would listen that all you ever did was “try and help me”. Nothing would ever make me feel like we were even.

I don’t think it’s revenge that I really want. It’s not enough to know that something I did caused you harm back. I want to watch you suffer. I want to watch the look of someone who thinks they’ve got the upper hand, turn to fear with the realization that they have lost. I want to watch it happen and watch it over and over until the memories I have of the torture you put me through, feel like they have been recorded over completely, and there are no traces of them left.

But this won’t happen.

I know this won’t happen.

I’m going to talk about how I can let go of the anger that has kept me alive this last year with my counselor.

Now that I am safe.

Now that I am loved.

Now that I have so many new memories.

How do I let go of the anger that burns through me anytime I get even the slightest reminder of the filth that you are?

I said I would always be honest in this blog.

This is honest.

I wish I could watch you suffer, just like you watched me. I wish I could watch you drown.