I feel myself softening.

I am finding that I can wait for resolution when I am afraid or confused.

When I am triggered, and full of fear, I am finding myself staying still, instead of running.

My morals are changing. I am not okay with things that I once was, and I’m trying to move with integrity when it’s visible, and when it’s not.

There are times where my anger towards the people who have harmed me still rises to the forefront of my mind. It’s overwhelming and causes me to think differently than I would when I am calm. But I have been able to quiet that anger before acting on it. I still hold that anger close, in some ways keeping it a sacred part of my healing. I do not have to forgive to be whole. I do not have to accept or let go of the pain that the actions of cruel people caused me in order to heal. I believe that anger protects me from falling back into the same patterns. I believe that anger is a tangible reminder of my self worth. I did not deserve to experience the ways I have been treated. I did not deserve to suffer in the ways I did. I find myself sometimes mourning for the person that spent so many years in fear and desperation. But I don’t have to be afraid anymore.

If anything, the lack of forgiveness I have for those people makes space for the forgiveness that I am giving to myself.

I forgive myself for staying in places I was never appreciated, cared for, or respected.

I forgive myself for making choices out of the need to survive that I would not make today.

I was a good person then, and I am a good person now. I am just more capable. I am stronger now.

But that anger, that rage towards those memories and the people who caused them, they don’t change my character anymore.

I can handle when the flashbacks come now without reacting. I can handle when I am reminded randomly how sick and perverted they are still to this day and choose to keep to my own path.

I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I don’t need to feel like my voice has to be heard. I don’t need to feel like they ever need to hear it again.

Because the people around me hear it. And not only do they hear it, they are listening to it. The people around me, love me. They respect me, they support who I am to my core, and they keep me safe.

I don’t have to react in fear based anger anymore because I am no longer in danger.

I don’t have to worry, because I can trust the people around me, and I can trust myself. I don’t have to be afraid anymore.

I refuse to let reminders of past harm, or even new attempts shape the person I am becoming.

I am healing from old wounds, that people have created in me or wounds I have created in myself, and that healing no longer requires any action from me that is inauthentic to myself.

I am not who I was. I am softer. I am healthier. I am happier.

There is nothing anyone can do to take that from me now. I have created that safety for myself, by standing my ground on who I am choosing to be, and what I choose to believe is right. My loved ones have circled that safety with an extra layer of protection so thick that anyone who even tries, cannot get to me anymore.

Words from people who once haunted my dreams will fall on deaf ears, their actions will stay as reflections of who they are, not of who I am choosing to be. I don’t have to be afraid anymore.

I am safe now. I am still healing, but I am safe.

I think it’s fitting to end this with the last words I ever sent to the man who left me feeling so unsafe for so long.

“You may have ruined yourself, but you never had the power to ruin me.”

8 months later, and I still mean it.