Since I’ve gotten sober, I feel like I’ve truly been happy for the first time in a very long time. It’s this kind of authentic joy, where I am fully myself, without a crutch, without taking the easy way out. I am able to handle my natural emotions, no matter where they take me. It’s been dark more than a few times, but it’s never been pitch black. Like seeing the hallway light shine through the opening at the bottom of my bedroom door, I’ve been able to hold onto the hope that I will again see clearly. I’ve had incredible moments of joy. And the high that comes with it is nothing like the high I have been chained to for so long.

I’ve been able to function at a level that I could have only dreamed of. I was self medicating, trying to accomplish things that come so easy to me now, and it has been a gift. I have hated that my brain has the ability to completely change who I am overnight, fragmenting my life into chapters of people that I can barely recognize. But what has always been a burden to me, this time, has become a strength. My ability to care for the people around me instead of being so fucking selfish, secluding myself in my room so I could use at my leisure, staying awake for days on end making me virtually useless to those who needed me, barely surviving, has given me the desire to want to be alive.

In the beginning, the fight was rooted deeply in the determination to become what I was told I would never be. I would read those texts he sent and feel the anger of being pushed so far into the ground, of being rejected, unseen, and it has kept me going. I would listen to angry music and scream the lyrics in my car, and when I would remember the pain of the years before, the fury of it all lit a fire so deep in my soul, the sadness lying under the surface was kept at bay. 

I’ve talked so many times about the fear I have of sadness. How crippling it can be to my nervous system, how scared I am of never being able to pull myself out of the hole feeling that emotion could put me in. 

But lately I’ve been noticing a trend in my moods. I’ve been having huge waves of sadness that are difficult to cover with anger or determination. I’ll go from laughing surrounded by people I love to not being able to control the streams of tears that start falling down my face. I noticed just how unmanageable it was the other day when my daughter was giving one of my closest friends a tattoo, and I just sat on my bed with them and wept. Normally, even if I felt that creeping darkness, I wouldn’t have wanted to “bring down the vibe” and I would have held it in. But I couldn’t. The tears fell no matter how hard I tried to hold it in. Side note, I have the most incredible support system I could ask for. In that moment, they validated my emotions, forgave my inability to hide the tears, encouraged me and just let me sit with them in silence without judging me or trying to pretend they understood what I was feeling. And I am incredibly grateful to them for that.

The confusing thing is these huge dips in my emotional state have been directly following time spent with the people I love most. When my heart has been working overtime trying to make someone feel safe, or wanted, or show them how important they are to me, or when I experience moments of connection that I know I will miss one day, I start breaking down. It’s like I see myself from a third person view, holding someone’s hand, telling them how much I love them, smiling and laughing, watching them smile and laugh back and my heart starts to break. I’m not pretending to be happy when I’m with these people, I genuinely am. And for some reason the more joy I experience, the deeper my heart sinks each time. Instead of flashbacks of sadness and pain, I’m having flashbacks of joy and love. So then why is it causing me so much anxiety and sadness when I see those images in my head? It’s like my heart doesn’t know how to feel about the memories I’m making. It’s like its forgotten that everything doesn’t always have to make me feel so broken anymore.

When I look at my life and I see how beautiful it is, instead of peace, I have been feeling this deep sense of loss. I spend time with my best friends, my family, and I think about how fucking proud I am of them, and I’m riddled with sorrow as if I am grieving. I cant even move my cat from my chest to get comfortable at night because I am overwhelmed with this feeling that I wont have that comfort that much longer.
I have lost a lot in my life, and I have gone through the stages of grief more than a few times. The worry that I will lose the people I love most is very familiar to me, but it’s not what I am feeling now.

If I could simplify it but also confuse myself even more, it would be that I am actually feeling the exact opposite. I’m not worried that they will be taken from me. The feeling that’s invading my mind and pushing its way into every happy memory I am trying to experience is that I am going to be taken from them. That I am on borrowed time. That I am watching myself from a third person view as if I was a ghost, watching my last moments, even though they have just happened or are currently happening. I am healthier and happier and more stable than I have ever been in my entire life. So why can I not shake this feeling that I am not going to be here much longer? I am not having SI. I’m not passively wanting to die. I WANT to be here more than I ever have in my whole life. But every happy moment lately always ends in tears because I worry its the last one I will have. Things are finally okay. Things are more than okay. My brain knows that. But my heart is still breaking. Maybe it’s all still just too new and I’m not used to it. Maybe a broken heart can’t feel love without seeing it through the lense of grief. Maybe I wasn’t built to feel peace.
I hope this ends soon. I’m so ready to stop being so afraid. I’m ready to feel safe.