I won’t call you anymore when I’m scared.

But I’ll think of you.

I won’t reach out when the nights are long, the bed is cold and my heart is aching.

But I’ll think of you.

I’m the type of person that needs anger, that needs a reason to hate someone to be able to let go.

I don’t want to be that person anymore.

For so long I have felt that without anger, there would only be sadness.

I’m afraid of sadness. I’m afraid of what will happen if I let myself fully embrace that emotion without the rage pushing me to keep going out of spite. I’m afraid I will lose to the dark.

What would happen if instead of letting go of the good and embracing the pain to heal…

I let go of the pain?

What if I took all of that energy, and tried to let go of the brokenness I feel?

What if instead of reminding myself of every reason I have to justify why I’m better off when I feel that loss creeping in, when I’m reminded of you, I used it to think of the happiness I once felt because of you? What if I used that energy to embrace acceptance? Acceptance that people don’t always stay forever. What if I used it to be thankful for the laughter, the passion, the friendship?

What if instead of trying to pretend that if I just focus on those harsh memories long enough, I’ll see you for who you are, what if I can choose what I remember?

What if I can direct my thoughts to gratitude and understanding instead ?

What if I don’t have to feel sorrow or hatred?

What if I can just remember what it was like when it was love, and be happy for it?

What if I’ve had it wrong this whole time?

What if it’s not “without anger there is only sadness”?

What if it’s, without anger

there is peace?