One of the most frustrating things about being someone who has manic and depressive episodes is that I have a hard time judging what true happiness and sadness look like. I can spend an entire day feeling great, only to dissociate in my bed that night, thinking about my every movement I made, trying to see the signs. I find myself overthinking joyful moments, worrying that I am not actually happy, but going into a manic episode. Being that I’m someone who does spend more of their time on the low end of emotions, feeling good can be an alarm for something more sinister. It’s something my therapist tries to discourage. To just allow myself to feel good, rather than searching for the source. But the damage I have done, the hurt that I have caused in times of mania, I find it impossible to not try and be proactive anymore.
So what AM I feeling?
Here’s what I know to be true for me:
Big changes can cause manic episodes.
I often will go into an episode to cover shame, or intense feelings that I am not at that time able to process.
Manic episodes lead me to be impulsive, have poor judgement, and make huge life changes very suddenly.
Manic episodes and relapse are BFF.
Currently:
I am going through a big change.
I should be having intense emotions over it.
But I’m not.
That, I feel like, is my biggest worry.
Last week I was more productive, more positive, more at peace than I have felt in a long time.
I spent so much time with my kids. We crafted, we baked, we cooked, we had movie nights. We all slept in the same bed. We ate chocolate and laughed and just felt at ease.
I am confused.
Am I really that disconnected so soon that I would feel more joy than I feel sorrow? That I would feel peace rather than chaos?
Or am I covering those emotions without realizing it?
I haven’t had high levels of energy. I still have slept in, gone to bed early and taken tons of naps. I have made absolutely no decisions other than cutting my hair. I have had no desire to be impulsive or to invite more disfunction into my life. And I haven’t relapsed, or had an urge to.
Instead of the intense happiness and energy that mania can bring,
I feel a slow joy. I feel calm rather than chaos. I feel clear headed. Most importantly, as a defense for this hopefully being real, I feel no shame.
I have nothing to generate shame. If anything, I am proud of myself.
Maybe the hard emotions are hiding, or maybe I already spent the last few months feeling them.
Time will tell.
This is a post to myself. A reminder to look back on in a few weeks and check in with where my heads at.
I spent the last few years being criticized for being an overthinker. I was told that I make my life harder by choosing to think about things more than required.
I can honestly tell you that most of my overthinking is involuntary, and if I could choose not to ruminate on terrible things I would give up A LOT to have that burden removed.
But this part, having to think about where my emotions are coming from, and if it’s cause for alarm, this part I choose. I choose to take responsibility for my mistakes, I choose to be prepared. Is it annoying and defeating to have to second guess a day full of laughter? Absolutely. But I am committed to never losing myself again, and so I choose to overthink.
So what am I feeling?
I really don’t know at this point. But I’m watching myself, I’m listening to myself, so that way I can enjoy this feeling for as long as it will last.
Maybe this is mania, maybe this is healing.
I’ll know in a few weeks.