The ever invasive, consistent thoughts in my head have been there as long as I can remember. I have never experienced long term silence inside my brain. I have tried to find the right ways to express them, to get them out so I can release and heal from the words I know I should not think.

I know that I am a lot. I over analyze, over think, over worry. I need constant reassurance. I pull the rug out from my friends and family when my emotions and thoughts come spilling out at random times and catch them off guard. When I feel overwhelmed with grief, fear, guilt etc. to the point of vomiting, I corner people with my thoughts, boiling over like an unwatched pot and leave them feeling tired and on edge.

I hold them in as long as I can, otherwise I would literally be speaking negatively almost every second of the day, until I feel like something will break inside me if I don’t get the release. I can’t make them stop with therapy, coping skills, or medicine either, it seems.

I hurt the ones I love by putting the burdens I cannot carry on their shoulders without their consent.

I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I don’t want to steal anyone’s peace just because I have none. I have been told that I live by the phrase misery loves company, and I’m starting to realize maybe it’s true.

It’s frankly extremely selfish. Maybe the version I claim to be is really just an idea of who I want to be.

The way that I am, the decisions I have made, that is my burden to bear. I’m tired of making people feel like they aren’t enough just because I feel like my needs need to be met exactly how I think I need them to be.

I need to practice silence. Writing these posts helps alleviate some of the burden, without forcing someone else to carry it. So that’s where I will speak.

But my voice? My actual words that spill from my mouth at any given time to the people who make me feel safe, those need to stop.

It’s not anyone else’s fault I feel the way I do, and it’s no one else’s job to help fix it.

This life, my choices, my baggage, I will begin to pack back up. I’m tired of being too much. I’m tired of feeling like I overwhelm more than I nurture.

Silence. I’ve never enjoyed it.

Maybe it’s time I start.