I made this blog for myself. I made it because journaling has never been enough of a release from the thoughts inside my head. I made this blog so I can keep track of my moods, behavior and mindset so I can be on the alert for a manic episode. I made this blog so I can look back. Look back at my memories and remember what happened.

This is how I feel right now in this moment. Hear me out, I know this is temporary. This is going to pass. I am going to look back at this entry a few months from now and remember and be glad things have gotten better. But this is how I feel right now.

Right now things are difficult. I worked really hard in October to repair the damage I caused this year. I got on meds. I repaired relationships. I spent time doing inner work to be a better, healthier person. I got a job. I kept my house clean.

Then my son got sick. Without going into details, it’s been bad. We’ve spent weeks in the hospital on and off. I had to push my start date back for work. We haven’t slept, our schedules are completely fucked. My nervous system from the lack of sleep, noise and memories of some seriously sad shit at the hospital, is wrecked.

I’m safe. I’m taking my meds, keeping my family involved, reaching out for support. I don’t feel like I’m in a manic episode. I still feel like my thoughts are my own. But I don’t feel like myself. Not like I feel like another person, I just feel hollowed out. I feel like only a small percentage of who I normally am.

I’m burning out. I don’t feel anything except for panic almost all the time. I’m incredibly tired the entire day. I feel frozen in place if I’m not being forced to move. I struggle sleeping because I don’t want to repeat the same thing the next day. And I have no clear line of sight for when things will get better.

I’m truly functioning at a one day at a time mentality.

I don’t laugh anymore, I’ve noticed. I don’t smile really either, so little so that when I actually do my skin gets red along the wrinkles by my mouth. I don’t really speak. My friends and family know me as the host. A true Leo. The person who gets people together and leads the conversation.

I don’t invite anyone over anymore. I don’t text or call. I find myself telling the person I’m with that I just don’t have the motivation to talk more often than I ever have. I just don’t care about anything right now.

I don’t have any opinions. I don’t have a voice.

I am living inside an endless stream of voices and images in my head that occupy every second of my thoughts, awake or asleep.

I am surviving because I have responsibilities and people counting on me.

I am not doing it for me right now. The idea of living for myself isn’t enough right now.

I have felt like this before, and I survived. I will survive again.

I am allowing myself to feel like I’m drowning, because I know I’m not. I won’t.

All seasons end. I’m so ready for the spring.