I almost forgot.
October is for healing.
I’ve been on my meds for 3 days now and I gotta say, its been ass.
I have felt incredibly tired, and have been living in a state of sadness so dark I haven’t wanted to be awake for it, for fear of where my head would take me.
Every time I have woken up, my eyes are so swollen I can barely see.
I wake up confused, heart racing, often reaching for something that’s not there.
But today, I woke up before 2 pm.
Two friends came and spent time with me in the tiny home I’ve made myself in the corner of the living room.
I drove myself to their house to change up my scenery.
I played with their cats, I ate.
I laughed harder than I have in a while.
As I got ready to leave, I thanked them for giving me respite from my misery.
I heard the words come out of my mouth before my brain even formed them into thought, and I said
“I guess I just needed to remember why I wanted to be alive in the first place”.
I almost forgot.
October is for healing.
I can’t fake happiness. I can’t fake any emotion for that matter.
I can’t make myself feel joy, I can’t ignore the deep cracks running through my heart.
But maybe I can do more things that look like what healing feels like.
Cooking dinner to good music, visiting my friends, enjoying a drive alone at night.
Maybe then, if my life mimics what healing is supposed to look like, my emotions will too.
If I give myself the room to grow, maybe I actually will.
Three days on the medications that could change my life.
The doctor said “You’ve been searching your whole life for something to fix the imbalance that your brain has. It’s time to let us help you do that. It’s time to give yourself a chance to heal”.
October is for healing, and I really want to.
I really want to be ok again.
The sadness, the shame, the loss, they run deep within me.
But this blog is helping.
I’m revealing the cracks for the world to see, in hopes that maybe
a little light might seep in.
Maybe a little light will seep in and I will finally
grow.