I have been told for a long time that I only think in black and white.
Maybe it’s true.
I see it in myself.
I either hold on too tight,
or I let go completely.
You are never wrong,
until you are the villain.
I will fight for you until I lose myself,
and then you’ll mean nothing to me.
Everything you do can be overlooked and forgiven,
until that last moment.
Then there’s no going back.
I think that’s why I hold on so tight to people.
I know if I reach that place,
the dark side of my mind,
I will lose them forever.
I will never see them the same.
I won’t hear your laugh.
I won’t see the tiny wrinkles by your eyes.
I won’t feel your hand in mine.
I won’t remember how you held my head in the crook of your arm when my head got too heavy in the car.
I won’t hear the snores when I was trying to fall asleep.
I won’t remember how you cradled me as I shook.
I won’t remember how you looked at the end of the bed in our treehouse in the sky.
I will remember the indifference.
I will feel how it felt when you left me for two months of freedom.
I will remember the lies.
I will remember the way you broke me when all I needed was forgiveness.
I don’t want to get there.
I don’t want to remember those things.
So I’m holding on as tightly as I can.
Like trying to hold a dog thats pulling on its leash.
Fighting to hold on to the you that I see now,
before it all goes to black.
I guess it’s selfish.
At least it’s honest.
I got my meds today.
I hope they don’t change me.
I hope they do.
And if it happens,
know how hard I tried.
How hard I tried,
to keep you from being the monster in my head I never wanted you to be.