I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 9 years old, walking home from the bus stop with my mom, listening to her tell me about a surprise she had for me. She said it was a big surprise this time and I would have to share. I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 9 years old, walking up the stairs to my parents bedroom and seeing the cat food bowls on the floor. I’m 31 and I still feel like the 9 year old girl, holding the cat she wanted so badly in her arms and crying tears of joy. 

I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 10 years old, watching my father look at me like I was worthless. I can see his eyes staring at me, the malice on his face, more than I can remember the words that he spoke. 

I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 12 years old being raped by a senior in high school in the middle of the night. I can remember him telling me it was just a back rub. I’m 31 years old and I can still feel his hands on my skin, and I can still remember the pain the next day. I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 12 years old, too terrified to speak, whenever a man touches my shoulders. 

I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 16, finding out I was pregnant with a stolen test in the Walmart bathroom. I can see the car that hit us the day before my planned abortion. I’m 31 years old and I still feel like the lost teenager telling my mom in the hospital after the accident that I was going to keep the baby. 

I’m 31 years old and I still feel like I’m 21 on my wedding day, overcome with gratitude and excitement that someone had accepted me. I’m 31 years old and I still feel the pain of having my husband refuse to even look at me during our first dance. I remember the moment that I felt that no matter how beautiful I looked, I would never be good enough for anyone. I’m 31 years old and I still feel 21, thinking I had found my forever to only have it end in ashes and disappointment. 

I’m 31 years old and I still feel like I’m 27, standing in the court house adopting a teenager and feeling like there was no one that had ever lived that was more meant to be mine. I can feel the joy of being surrounded by my friends and family. I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 27, hugging my child and knowing that there was nothing I wouldn’t do for them. 

I’m 31 years old and I still feel 29, watching that same child seize over and over in a hospital bed after they overdosed, wondering if they would make it through the night. I can still feel the fear when they woke up and couldn’t remember anything and wondering if they would ever be the same again. 

I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 29, coming out of my first major manic episode. I remember standing in the kitchen with my best friend and feeling a switch in my brain. I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 29, turning to my best friend and telling her if she didn’t take me to a hospital I was going to kill myself.

I’m 31 and I still feel like I’m 30, full of pride, watching that same teenager who I almost lost, walk across the stage to receive their high school diploma. 

I’m 31 and I still feel like the little girl who just wanted to make her father proud. I still feel like the scared child who learned that her worth was based in what she could offer a man. I still feel like the young woman who thought religion was the only way she would be accepted after her past. I still feel like the woman who had her faith slip away through her fingers and wonder what was left. I still feel the pride and fear and guilt of leaving a marriage that no longer served me. I still feel the weight of addiction that surrounded my life for so long. I still feel like the woman who felt true love for the first time.

I’m 31 and I still feel like the world is cruel. I’m 31 and I still feel like I have time to see something beautiful. 

Do we ever really grow up?